I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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