I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
