i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
