when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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