Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
