I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
