M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
