I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
