Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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