I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
