i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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