i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
