I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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