checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
