You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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