I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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