Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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