I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
