If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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