Don't you send me to vm
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize