I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
