Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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