I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
