I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
