she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize