I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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