I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
