The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
