I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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