Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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