3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize