just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
