I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You need Xanax blowdarts
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
