Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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