Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
