Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
