U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Too much gin, very little bucket
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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