i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
This is the high leading the old right now
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
