Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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