My friends, they love my intelligence
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
