I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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