she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
