i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
