i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
