Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
