My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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