Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
