Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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