we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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