last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
