He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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