Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
