Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
