Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
