the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
