The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
