If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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