you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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