I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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