plz talk dirty to me
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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