Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
