I just saw a hot homeless man
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
