If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
