If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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