Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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