my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
